she woke up with a sticky ear
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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