I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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