I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
