This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Come on in and take your pants off
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