Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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