I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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