Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
