I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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