Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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