i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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