I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
