Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
