the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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