I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
