I've blown a few things in my day
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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