you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
