Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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