you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
