Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
