My Higher Power is John Stamos
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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