I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sorry about my life...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
