I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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