my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
