Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
