I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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