I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i love accidental penises.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
