Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
