she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and she was petting her beer can
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
