He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
