My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize