Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
