Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
