This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This is my gift to your gina
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
