I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
