A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
