my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
