A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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