martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
