he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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