do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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