Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
