Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
