I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
dude. I can hear the air.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
