Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
