I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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