if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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