nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
