so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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