Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize