new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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