Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
