Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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