Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
