im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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