i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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