I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
