so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
