my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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