How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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