I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
